hey i have been eating hummus in bed for the last 2 hours and i juuuuuust found some caked into my keyboard smh can u believe this i know i can't but what can you do when life hands you lemons blend them w chickpeas and tahini and make more hummus to the tune of beyonce's lemonade, iv'e actually got a really good recipe if you'd like it just lmk, or whatever i swear it's great my friend's boo who hates hummus was obsessed with it they met online i actually just started online dating myself i got my wisdom teeth taken out a few weeks ago and was in bed for a week in a vicodin haze naturally i downloaded all the dating apps and i have since been on 2 internet dates one went really well this guy was c h i v a l r o u s CHIVALROUS but we made out and i felt absolutely nothing he followed up with me but i accidenally ghosted him i guess it wasnt an accident bc i realized i was doing it i just felt helpless to change it it was more of a passive ghosting the second date was not planned this guy just showed up at my job and hung out it could have been superrrrr weird but the guy is actually very normal i.e. not a serial killer and very chill we've hung out a couple times i have a need to be very intellectually stimulated i can't truly enjoy your presence if you're a dummy i mean i'll generally still hang with you as long as you arent ignorant especially regarding social justice issues and the marginalization of non cis-white-males but to really feeeeel someone they need to be able to teach me this guy i was hooking up with last month was super sweet and when we made out my body turned into a waterfall but there was absolutely nothing i could learn from him that kind of ended i'm not sure i hit him up recently you could call it a booty call the kid knows how to tr(eat) a lady u feel me we'll see what happens anyway so the guy who showed up at my work he has a really great face but i was worried about him being a dummy but was also cognizant of the fact he could just be a little shy it turns out he is NOT a dummy the last time we hung out he made some references to really obscure ancient philosophies in a non-pretentious way additionally i have a really great opportunity for my rugs that i was talking to him about and asked his opinion on what my next moves should be and he schooled me that shit is so sexy to me honestly a person who is about their business idk it probably goes back to some kind of daddy issue of mine people get soooo uncomfortable when i talk about my mommy/daddy issues but i am of a firm opinion that we all have them it's only natural that you are altered by those who most influenced your formative years idk lately i have been realizing i have a lot more mommy issues than daddy issues i think that goes back to when i was 6 and my mom told me she loved my brother more than me this may sound unfair or one mite imagine over the years it was dramatized in my mind, but it was a simple transaction i asked her if she loved my brother more and she replied yes but your dad loves you more so it's fair, she is all about fairness and honestly even if it's brutal she's very emotionally disconnected she's also an extremely insecure person which is not her fault it makes me really sad but i also think it was part of why i was so insecure as a teen and young adult and moreover the reason i was in many unfortunate long term relationships that i was afraid to end because i didnt value myself or my time and never dated around or allowed myself to do whatever the fuck i wanted when it came to dating until riTE NOW AT 25 because i was entrenched in patriarchal ideology i hated myself i hated other women i hated the fact i was a woman i am so grateful to have been #Woken it wasnt until i moved to brooklyn 3 years ago broke as fuck trying to get a job and get my life together when the rose colored lenses started to come away from my delicately-featured face it's work everyday to expand my awareness but it feels so good 2 be free